Luminous Lamentations
On this the sixth day of Advent, I am emerging in my frailty from grief and rest to write another blog post. The last few excruciating months have been some of the most difficult that I have faced in my entire twenty-nine years. To reserve the privacy and intimate details for ourselves and those involved, I will only briefly discuss a little of what has transpired in our lives. . .
Our family endured the devastating loss of a baby at the threshold of my second trimester. Although this child was never cradled in my physical arms, I had already come to hold them so tenderly in my heart, as I have done with every one of my precious children. I envisioned another hallowed home birth with our excited little ones and my rock-of-a-husband, all gathered round, the sweet smell of soft newborn skin, and all the doting siblings gently prodding for their turn to hold our latest arrival. The physical separation took a tremendous toll on my body but it’s the emotional wounds that never heal when parting with a gift so treasured as a child.
In the days following the wake of this tragedy, we again faced the unimaginable, someone who had become a dear friend and guide to my husband left this world. Our family’s personal encounter with his sudden death left not only my husband and I, but also our children, forever changed. Waking night terrors and days filled with grief for both his loss and our baby was still so raw when we were assaulted with our next trial, leaving our home.
My husband suffered a shoulder injury which resulted in loss of employment during this trauma filled season of our life and we were forced to find a less expensive place to stay as we could no longer afford our current rental. To make a long story short, God’s providence is unmatched, and he provided shelter for us as He does all His creatures.
I must agree with my readers if this brief summary of the trials we have faced seems superficially to be one in which the fairytale ending is far from sight. We are still very much in the throes of it all. But God has done the unimaginable with our testimony during this time. He has cast a luminous light on our lamentations and revealed to us His Glory and Majesty and Truth.
A beautiful, disastrous mess is what I want to label our current situation, but in the midst of this rectifying pain there has been such Grace to which we never could have fathomed. After three long years of searching for Him, God has used this opportunity for His good and called to us as He did to His disobedient children in the garden and pulled us back into communion with Him, back into His loving arms.
Almost three years ago now, we left everything we knew behind in search of a life we thought we wanted. Now as things have come full circle, we see the repercussions of our own version of the Fall, and their crippling effects are reflected in our life, as it was with the first man and woman. Yet, God’s Mercy is unending, unyielding, unfailing, and what’s more is we are unable to earn it ourselves. It’s all a miraculous Gift. A Gift we are very much undeserving of. The greatest Gift ever given and I couldn’t have earned it if I had tried with all the strength and good deeds I could muster. Which is why I felt today, during this season of Advent, this season of hope, it was the perfect opportunity to break my recent silence on this internet space, pour out my testimony in hopes of encouraging just one reader, and letting God’s Glory alone shine luminously through my sorrow-filled lamentations.
“The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”